Train No. 502

A post, written on my way to Maribor, on the only piece of paper I had with me - on the back of my today's seminar. The post from the train No. 502.

After a quite some time there is a strange feeling raising in me. There is someone, who makes me wonder.

It's funny how many and how different people our life brings towards us. Most of them are just passing by and a few of them are there to stay a while, to walk beside us a part of our way. And there are the least of those for who you wish to never say goodbye, a few of them you want to walk together, hand-in-hand, forever.

Though knowing the goodbye is coming soon, just met one person I allowed myself to be of that 'the least' kind for me. Makes me feel alive inside again, at last. Tašakor.

Above the clouds

Tanja, Zala, Goran, Faruk and me, 10 warm degrees, almost no gas in 'our' caravan, delicious suđuka with the bread, short picnic on a dry grass, wind playing with the pines around, hours of laughter above the cotton-like clouds.

One wonderful day.

http://picasaweb.google.com/ehajdi/AboveTheClouds

Saving us.

A photo of us taken on 20th of June 2008. The photo showing how pleasant it was for us being together, how we took care for each other. We had feelings for us and they were growing.

With us plenty of my plans were connected: juping on bareback horses, mountaineering, ice skating in cold winter evenings, eating tons of ice cream at Ilichs, singing girlish songs, wandering around Ljubljana without any obvious reason...

He was my confidant. The one who was willing to do all the stupidities with me. And even enjoyed it.

Today almost nothing has left. At some point 'us' were lost, just me and him left. Our friendship needs resuscitation. And we're supposed to be good at it...

I used all of my courage, not sure it's going to be enough, but did the first step.

Looking over for oblivion. And Oblivion.

Lately I practise again and a lot. And it's so good: making a sound from strings under my hands, feeling the music with the tips of my fingers and soul, creating the world where nothing except melody is important. From largo to presto and everything in between...

Black and white vs. coloured

Maybe 'the wing' is really a different thing. Maybe I was wrong. Wings use earplugs at the same time (belive it or not, I used them yesterday in the evening). And always belive to eachother...

It was a black and white day for me yesterday: passed an important exam, got an absolutely the best mentor, remembered some nostalgic memories, missed someone I lost forever, thought how to move on, what to choose... Continuing today.
I'm happy to see a waitingroom full of our patients in half an hour. They will colour up my afternoon. After 2 days leaving to the GP. At last.

To my favourite team.

Now even using my borrowed rollerskies doesn't make me feel better. I would give anything to be on that glacier with a group of people I like and care of. With a team I adore.

And nobody wants me there so badly as I do...

Just... do your best. I am there.

Could you miss the cow?

Today I told about it to someone for the second time. It's like I am kind of embarrassed even when I think about it. And much harder to talk. Decided to write it down not to vanish over the time.

Happened that I somehow have missed a patient. I noticed his tired body laying in the bed, obvious physical changes, saw the colour of his skin, his gray hair falling over a half shut eyes trying to follow what the nurse was doing, the head dropping on his chest under it's heaviness. I saw a man dying. But didn't see him. I didn't feel like working with a person, with someone alive and sensitive. I didn't say a word approaching him. I was so preoccupied with his phlebocatheter just inserted, talking with a nurse who did it... Amazed by a stupid tube in his vein going directly to his thorax, I have fixated it in the right position...
In the moment nurses have taken him to drive away I wished him luck and to be strong. Then it punched me like from the sky: 'you actualy didn't turn to this man until he has been leaving, Emina.' Never happened before.

Thought about it a lot. And I still am. Observing and slowly discovering that it is just the way most of the people work in our health system. It's easier. It's easier to just do your job than to recognize someones suffering and emotional distress or to even pay attention on it. To turn away not even knowing how someone feels it's the easiest thing to do. I am very aware of that.

But I don't want to become like the most of 'them'. I hope I never will. I cherish my sense of empathy, hidden deep in me, taking me to the hardest battles. And through them. My empathy, which was lost for a moment - to remind me how important and precious it is.


One special person, who I greatly admire and was speaking with about it today, said to me: You know what I wish to you? To never forget what you have just told me.

For me and my patients, I wish for myself just the same.

Toše, te sakame site

I had an awesome day. Worked around the house, lunched with my family, had a loooooong walk with my sister, a great friend and two happy dogs, enjoyed in the magnificent colours autumn is offering to see. Talked to Eva, heard she had a pleasant weekend though some worries are hanging above her head. And I finally saw one of my wings, had a talk and a cup of tea together, unexpectedly shared a total blackness and a Milky way... Aaaahh, there is more. More and the most important: the other wing had tasted the sweetness of blades cutting the ice early today. At last. It was my morning trip to Toulouse.

And now, after such a great day I just can't sleep. Watching and listening to the concert in memory of Toše Proeski. For me he was an amazing person, amazing singer and musician. And I guess the same think all of those thousands of people there on the main stadion in Skopje, screaming: Toše, te sakame site.

Suddenly it crossed my mind: are they all aware that the most it counts is while you are alive? And how important it is to show people you love them? Or maybe it's just me thinking so. Wish everyone to have the courage to say 'I care about you' while you're there. To be brave enough to hug and make your beloved ones smile. To be honest.

...life is a book and you've got to read it,
life is a story and you've got to tell it,
life is a song and you've got to sing it,
you've got to know how to live it...

Hope all of my 'day-makers' know how much I care about them and how precious they are for me. Thanks for every smile, every touch, hug and warm words. Thanks for every night sky-seeing, for letting me wear your shirts, tightpants and pijamas, for walking dogs together, singing in the rain, enjoying deep in the forest, taking photos and laughing like crazy, sitting on the curch walls high above the see... Thanks for writing my book, to listen, sing and live with me. Thanks to all of you.

Thanks, guys.

Without you my stay in your town wouldn't be so special. Thanks for taking your time, for eating, laughing and shopping together. Thanks for discovering old, small, hidden streets of Belgrade and for chasing homeless dogs with me.

You're the best. :)