Nad mestom

Premrazeni sva se povzpeli v 11. nadstropje Ninine zgradbe, premrazeni do kosti, a veseli, ker se je vecer tako lepo razpletel.
Ne spomnim se, kdaj smo nazadnje doma, v domaci druzbi, uzivali ob kitari in harmoniki, kdaj smo vsi skupaj peli, cetudi nismo poznali besedila in je zvenelo bolj kot turutuuu tuuuu, kdaj smo se ob odhodu nazadnje vsi objeli, si pogledali v oci in priznali, da je bilo prekrasno? Ne spomnim se da bi kdaj kateri izmed fantov predlagal, da skuha vecerjo, se med petjem preoblekel v Balasevica, imitiral pevce, da smo se smejali do bolecin. Kdaj smo se nazadnje stiskali na pecki in v ritmu usklajeno nihali sem in tja?
Morda s(m)o Slovenci res veliko bolj zadrzani, zaprti in veliko manj temperamentni. A vsekakor je v teh mladih ljudeh, ki sem jih imela cast spoznati, zvrhana mera ljubeznivosti, prijaznosti in topline, ki najbrz z nacionalnostjo nima veliko opraviti. So od povsod, kakor da jih je prinesel veter, ki disi po medu in domu.
In tukaj nad mestom, v tem skromnem stanovanju, kjer se mesata mraz, ki izbija iz sten, in toplota klime, ki mi puha v hrbet, bom zaspala. Z mislijo in sanjami na novi danes. Na danes, ki bo del mesta pod mano.

Vecerja pa - 1A. Taka, kot jo imam najraje. Skromna, a pripravljena z edinstvenim zarom.

Vecerja na Zahumski ul. 10

Ne vem ali spada k odkrivanju novih mest ali k druzenju. Vsekakor je lep zakljucek dneva, ko s pisano druzbo sedis oz. stojis v majhni kuhinjici, ko pravkar diplomirani mlad in ceden dr.med. seklja zelenjavo za omako kot prilogo k testeninam, ko dve sobi prazni samevata, ker je nam lepse skupaj, ceprav je precej tesno... In ko na vratih ze tretjic pozvoni in ko ne ves, kam se bomo se stisnili, pa si potem neizmerno presenecen, ko prijetnost prisleka ogromno druzbo le se zbliza in nikogar ne odzene v katero izmed bistveno udobnejsih sob. Sekljanje zelenjave in udarjanje rezila noza ob kroznik obeta poslastico... Napisem kako bo.

The Queen for the 10th time

Zadnje čase nič ne napišem, kar pa ne pomeni, da se nič pomembnega ne dogaja. Samo energije mi zmanjka, da bi zapisala...

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Medtem, ko je po Kuusamu pred kratkim zasedla prestol tudi v Davosu (prvič v prosti tehniki!), je danes ponovno osvojila krono. Tokrat je 'padel' Duesseldorf.




Photo: www.rtvslo.si

Respect. There is nothing more to say.

Davos, a place to never forget

The first and amazing skating triumph. Sooooo proud of you!

The Queen of Kuusamo

Photo: Reuters.com

'A great form, a great attitude, a great start of a new season,' a reporter on Eurosport commented on your exceptional victory.

For a person like you, everything is reachable - you make it that way.

After months of unimaginable hard work you came to the point when the only option is to smile. And the world will smile with you, my friend.

Miss you.

Outside...

... it's snowing! This year's first snow. I love it. While waiting for the rest of my today's surgical practicals I was walking around without my umbrella opened, though I have it with me, wanted to feel snowflakes falling on my nose, slowly melting and leaving a wet traces I was wiping off with my coloured gloves. Walked around with my head tilted back, catching snowflakes with my tongue, being like a big child. Eva was laughing at me, but I love it. I love it a lot. This year's first snow!

From general practice to surgery - with a red packet

This week I used as a transformation period.

Completed my GP practicals and done the exam, had the last saturday on duty with my mentor, enjoyed at snowflakes falling down the clear blue sky, discovered that the purple paper found in my wallet is real and started the search for my air ticket, felt amazing happiness for someones great 10, checked the bus departure timetable for Belgrade for several times and auch! - needed to 'kill' one of my teeth....

And I've got an envelope: big, red one, with Suomi Finland written on it and something more: 'Can't belive it, right? Maybe they have a better taste...' With one small sun drawn at the side. This packet made my day. I knew immediately who sent it. But wasn't sure what's inside. While opening I started to laugh. There were 2 packs of dried apricots, a fruit she loves to buy me here at home, a fruit I actually don't like but have to eat it to get a bigger amount of potassium. It calmes down my extrasystoles I have from time to time. Though she's away for 4 weeks now, I have my two new packs... Thank you. You are amazing, my friend. Just amazing! And yes, they have a better taste. :)

For the end I rode a kite today after a long long time, feeling this great joy of holding the wind in my hands, of maneuvering with strings and making fast, playful loops.

Tomorrow I'm starting my surgical practicals. Think after days in an operating room I'll be almost dreaming of holding something else then hooks and peans in my hands... The wind will do the best.

I feel like a thief :)

A photography stolen from my sister (sorry, sissy!). I'm astound by nature's creations over and over again: by it's elegance, uniqueness and warmth...Go out, open your eyes, smell the wind, run through the blanket of fallen leaves in the nearest forest. Catch the spirit of an amazing autumn.

And the winner is...

Zagreb showed up like a perfect place, like an open nest for young birds who want to be like seagulls on the coast of medicine. We were there, feeling safe and free to fly.

It was great, like the most of similar 'reunions' are. And there was a lot of new, interesting people. A lot of scientists. :)

Organising comittee did their best again. Thank you for everything.

There were days turning in to wild nights, amazing Sax with dancing and some salt, lemons and tequilas, umbrellas all the time, blue trams anytime and anywhere, Subiceva 9, coffee brakes, Montenegro girls with their crazy ideas and tempo, the greatest happiness brought by Kanito, endless and answerless questions of the Czech girl from Prague, sooo many applauds to speakers, a loooooot of chestnut cream, taking photos non-stop, there were Matej, Jelena and a group of fantastic colleagues from all over. Joy, joy, joy...

And there was someone else. Someone who simply shined at the presentation, while we were completely amazed by her work. Someone really passionate about medicine and children. Someone, whom is really much to tell about. After almost two years of working on it, she got the best ZIMS 08 scientific work award at the end. And ESS 2009 participation goes to the rightest person I could imagine.

Congratulations, Nina.

Train No. 502

A post, written on my way to Maribor, on the only piece of paper I had with me - on the back of my today's seminar. The post from the train No. 502.

After a quite some time there is a strange feeling raising in me. There is someone, who makes me wonder.

It's funny how many and how different people our life brings towards us. Most of them are just passing by and a few of them are there to stay a while, to walk beside us a part of our way. And there are the least of those for who you wish to never say goodbye, a few of them you want to walk together, hand-in-hand, forever.

Though knowing the goodbye is coming soon, just met one person I allowed myself to be of that 'the least' kind for me. Makes me feel alive inside again, at last. Tašakor.

Above the clouds

Tanja, Zala, Goran, Faruk and me, 10 warm degrees, almost no gas in 'our' caravan, delicious suđuka with the bread, short picnic on a dry grass, wind playing with the pines around, hours of laughter above the cotton-like clouds.

One wonderful day.

http://picasaweb.google.com/ehajdi/AboveTheClouds

Saving us.

A photo of us taken on 20th of June 2008. The photo showing how pleasant it was for us being together, how we took care for each other. We had feelings for us and they were growing.

With us plenty of my plans were connected: juping on bareback horses, mountaineering, ice skating in cold winter evenings, eating tons of ice cream at Ilichs, singing girlish songs, wandering around Ljubljana without any obvious reason...

He was my confidant. The one who was willing to do all the stupidities with me. And even enjoyed it.

Today almost nothing has left. At some point 'us' were lost, just me and him left. Our friendship needs resuscitation. And we're supposed to be good at it...

I used all of my courage, not sure it's going to be enough, but did the first step.

Looking over for oblivion. And Oblivion.

Lately I practise again and a lot. And it's so good: making a sound from strings under my hands, feeling the music with the tips of my fingers and soul, creating the world where nothing except melody is important. From largo to presto and everything in between...

Black and white vs. coloured

Maybe 'the wing' is really a different thing. Maybe I was wrong. Wings use earplugs at the same time (belive it or not, I used them yesterday in the evening). And always belive to eachother...

It was a black and white day for me yesterday: passed an important exam, got an absolutely the best mentor, remembered some nostalgic memories, missed someone I lost forever, thought how to move on, what to choose... Continuing today.
I'm happy to see a waitingroom full of our patients in half an hour. They will colour up my afternoon. After 2 days leaving to the GP. At last.

To my favourite team.

Now even using my borrowed rollerskies doesn't make me feel better. I would give anything to be on that glacier with a group of people I like and care of. With a team I adore.

And nobody wants me there so badly as I do...

Just... do your best. I am there.

Could you miss the cow?

Today I told about it to someone for the second time. It's like I am kind of embarrassed even when I think about it. And much harder to talk. Decided to write it down not to vanish over the time.

Happened that I somehow have missed a patient. I noticed his tired body laying in the bed, obvious physical changes, saw the colour of his skin, his gray hair falling over a half shut eyes trying to follow what the nurse was doing, the head dropping on his chest under it's heaviness. I saw a man dying. But didn't see him. I didn't feel like working with a person, with someone alive and sensitive. I didn't say a word approaching him. I was so preoccupied with his phlebocatheter just inserted, talking with a nurse who did it... Amazed by a stupid tube in his vein going directly to his thorax, I have fixated it in the right position...
In the moment nurses have taken him to drive away I wished him luck and to be strong. Then it punched me like from the sky: 'you actualy didn't turn to this man until he has been leaving, Emina.' Never happened before.

Thought about it a lot. And I still am. Observing and slowly discovering that it is just the way most of the people work in our health system. It's easier. It's easier to just do your job than to recognize someones suffering and emotional distress or to even pay attention on it. To turn away not even knowing how someone feels it's the easiest thing to do. I am very aware of that.

But I don't want to become like the most of 'them'. I hope I never will. I cherish my sense of empathy, hidden deep in me, taking me to the hardest battles. And through them. My empathy, which was lost for a moment - to remind me how important and precious it is.


One special person, who I greatly admire and was speaking with about it today, said to me: You know what I wish to you? To never forget what you have just told me.

For me and my patients, I wish for myself just the same.

Toše, te sakame site

I had an awesome day. Worked around the house, lunched with my family, had a loooooong walk with my sister, a great friend and two happy dogs, enjoyed in the magnificent colours autumn is offering to see. Talked to Eva, heard she had a pleasant weekend though some worries are hanging above her head. And I finally saw one of my wings, had a talk and a cup of tea together, unexpectedly shared a total blackness and a Milky way... Aaaahh, there is more. More and the most important: the other wing had tasted the sweetness of blades cutting the ice early today. At last. It was my morning trip to Toulouse.

And now, after such a great day I just can't sleep. Watching and listening to the concert in memory of Toše Proeski. For me he was an amazing person, amazing singer and musician. And I guess the same think all of those thousands of people there on the main stadion in Skopje, screaming: Toše, te sakame site.

Suddenly it crossed my mind: are they all aware that the most it counts is while you are alive? And how important it is to show people you love them? Or maybe it's just me thinking so. Wish everyone to have the courage to say 'I care about you' while you're there. To be brave enough to hug and make your beloved ones smile. To be honest.

...life is a book and you've got to read it,
life is a story and you've got to tell it,
life is a song and you've got to sing it,
you've got to know how to live it...

Hope all of my 'day-makers' know how much I care about them and how precious they are for me. Thanks for every smile, every touch, hug and warm words. Thanks for every night sky-seeing, for letting me wear your shirts, tightpants and pijamas, for walking dogs together, singing in the rain, enjoying deep in the forest, taking photos and laughing like crazy, sitting on the curch walls high above the see... Thanks for writing my book, to listen, sing and live with me. Thanks to all of you.

Thanks, guys.

Without you my stay in your town wouldn't be so special. Thanks for taking your time, for eating, laughing and shopping together. Thanks for discovering old, small, hidden streets of Belgrade and for chasing homeless dogs with me.

You're the best. :)

Singidunum, it's me!

Belgrade, I'm coming.
For the 4th time this year. In 10 hours I'll be there.

My Maki

Three months passed.

Three months of lavender smell reminding me of you, of wild cherry tea bringing our early mornings in to my heart, of gentle wind hugging me like you would do and Sun smiling at me as you were used to...

Three months of looking at your photos on my shelf, of walking on my every way 'with you', watching stars deep on the sky, which didn't do my wish come true...

Three months of falling asleep and waking up with you.



Three months of missing you.



Puno te voli tvoje pile.

Starting again...

I'm sitting in a main hall of our Faculty of Medicine, just after lunch with one of my best colleague. We were talking about all the things we have to do, about exams, studying... And I'm feeling this great, passionate will to work with patients rising in me again after a long summer.
Hospital is like a huge field for me, full of diffrent plants which I all have still to discover. Like a meadow of blooming flowers, where I am, like a small bea, gathering their nectar together. For making honey one day...

Starting my GP's practicals on Wednesday, 1.9.2008. Simply can't wait.

Illusion?

Laying in my bed, with a laptop on my legs, turning head to the right, checking the pillow besides me... Just 17 hours ago you were smiling at me from there.

Were you really here or it was just an illusion? For the moment I wasn't sure, because it was like in dreams... You made us fly. And added purple colour to the rainbow of my life.

Safe ride, my special wing.

Couldn't ask for more

Magnificent Ljubljana at midnight. But it's not the light, it's not the architecture nor the flowers blooming on a fence of a wooden bridge. It's you, turning our days and nights into a dream...

Great expectations

I have been on the train station in Ljubljana thousand times. In the spring, summer, autumn, winter, when the Sun is shining or huge raindrops are falling from the sky. Tired, relaxed, sad, full of energy, never bored... Every kind of mood, everyday twice. And I like my 'first morning station' to begin my day. But I have never been so excited and happy to go there like tonight. Never.

Can't wait to see you. At last, my friend.

Memories

It's late. I'm exhausted... On my desk there are hundreds of empty cups of coffee I had drank today, an opened anatomy atlas with pictures of tracheal cartilage, unopened envelope from my bank account, ORL books, my sleeping black giant cat... And photos from Dubrovnik, which still, after so hard day, make me smile. And fill my heart with joyful memories.


I guess it's time to work now, after such an amazing summer. Going back to books...

My very first photo of Dubrovnik, near Pile station.

Zmagovalci

Kako lepo je imeti ob sebi ljudi, ki ti dajejo občutek, da si za njih neprecenljiv, za katere veš, da bi razpihnili oblake nad teboj in te obsijali s soncem, ki bi se te včasih samo nalahno dotaknili, da lahko začutiš njihovo toplino. Ljudi, ki te imajo neskončno radi.

In kako redko pomislim, kakšna strašna luknja zija pod tistimi, ki tega nimajo. Kako neskončno prazno je za tiste, ki so popolnoma sami. Ki nimajo nikogar, komur bi bili resnično pomembni, nikogar, ki bi jih ljubeče objel, z njimi delil kepico svojega najljubšega sladoleda, skodelico toplega mleka... Pa se jih kdo nalahko dotakne, začutijo toplino in potem... spet nič. Najbrž, sem mislila, v resnici ima vsakdo vsaj nekoga.

Dokler je nisem videla. Z jezerom solz za vekami, ki so v hipu zrasle v ogromen jez, sem nemo opazovala samoto, ki jo je ovijala v svoj težki plašč... Poslušala jok, obupen klic, ki ni našel poti do pravih ušes, prave duše. Kakor da sva za trenutek zamenjali: jaz v njenem breznu samote, ona v mojem srcu. Previdno sem se je dotaknila -upala, da čuti-, poslala par nežnih besed proti njenim modrim očkam, ki so utrujeno lovile svetlobo... in z muko odšla. Z njo v srcu za vedno.



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Zaklad je v izjemnih ljudeh, ki nas obkrožajo. Za katere si poseben in čudovit točno tak, kakršen si. V redkih ljudeh, ki v tebi najdejo tvoje 'najboljše', to cenijo in občudujejo. V tistih, za katere je lahko vsak zmagovalec... In za to z veseljem dajejo tudi velik del sebe.
Lepšajo dneve.

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Morda se najde kdo tudi za posebno 'pikico', da vsaj obarva mračne dni, da jo za hip obsije s pisanimi žarki svojega nasmeh... Kdo, za kogar bo tudi ona zmagovalka. Ker se bori naprej, čeprav izgublja boj za bojem.

'Nič ni resnično brez svojega praveg nasprotja.'

Thank god...

...there are some special wings in my life. One on my left and the other on the right side. Thank you for making me fly today. Everyday...